The Referee’s a Wanker

SOMETIMES, it’s a wonder how certain officials can wake up in the morning with a clear conscience. Perhaps Rob Styles never sleeps in the first place.

Perhaps, just perhaps, Rob Styles is a member of some sub-sect, a bio-mechanoid, a creature who needs no rest, who moves endlessly like a shark for fresh bodies on which to feed his insatiable desire for perversely poor decisions, arrogant, smirk-infested stares and generally masochistic tendencies.

During Blackburn’s 1-1 draw with Man Utd,  Styles (who incidently looks like the sort of chap that enjoys a night out with his open neck shirt, gold chain, signet ring and a few floozies) got two clear-cut penalty decisions so defiantly wrong that even Stevie Wonder was hopping mad (watching a live feed in Los Angeles simply for the purposes of this column). And it is the repetitious nature of this arrogant manner and poor decision making by Styles which continues to irk everyone who suffers him.

Styles showing his natural charisma as noted by the author

 

He leaves the impression of a man who looks down his nose at players; no warmth, no attempts to work with them, only a driven desire to dominate their dirty little hides. This writer believes there’s a strong element of jealousy involved, as though he feels cheated, like he believes he should have a share of the playing spoils given the fact he walks the same turf week in week out. And perhaps Rob Styles thus feels that his only revenge on the Rooneys, Ronaldos, Lampards and entire Tottenham teams of this world is to deny them what’s right, wear that arrogant smirk  and goad them to react so as he can theatrically brandish red cards.

Someone really needs to teach Styles and his ilk some basic man-management skills. How hard would it be for a referee to establish a cordial but firm rapport with each team prior to the match? How hard would it be for the officials to make sure that they address the players as human beings before each mach? How hard would it be to NOT look like a smug wanker from the first moment you’re seen on the pitch? And how hard would it be to show a little consistent communication? IF a player shows verbal dissent, take him aside, be polite, be firm and SPEAK to them about it. CALL the team-mate’s skipper over and appraise them of the situation.

Mark Halsey is a referee who appears to have undergone some sort of change in this direction, and as such he has managed to somewhat reduce his previously foul and egregious profile. Howard Webb appears to have a good balance, but if he’s not careful the gradual glare of the spotlight will force him into some sort of protective stance which will eventually become ego-mania. Ineed, the only grump who cuts the mustard for me is Steve Bennett, who basically manages to work with such a blank and cold film over his face that he must be a distant cousin of Star Trek’s Dr.Spock.

Of course referring isn’t easy, and today’s current crop of spoilt brats don’t always help matters, but the tragedy here is that when met with referees like Styles, you can almost understand some of the pathetic behavior displayed by players towards officials. No-one should work that hard during the week to see such endeavors undone by a smug, self-righteous and repeatedly erroneous referee. Let’s hope that come the summer, Keith Hackett at Ref Central pays attention to these issues and sorts out the arrogance of referees like Styles, the meekness of others like Mike Riley plus the blazing inconsistency they all show. 

GLUM BRUM WHILE BOLTON HAVE FUN

Aside from watching Birmingham get absolutely annihilated by a rampaging Aston Villa 5-1, the bottom changed favorably for Bolton, who under the sombre gingerness of Gary Megson seem to be ready to pull a Houdini and escape, their latest 3 points coming in a 1-0 win at Middlesbrough which got them out of the trap-door trio. It might be tougher next week though, as they have to go to White Hart Lane…sorry, was that a smirk? Don’t worry. The inside word is that the Spurs side have signed a written agreement with Juande Ramos and Gus Poyet to actually show up for the second-half, which will make it their fourth such appearance since February 24th.

Liverpool shoved a large ‘get down to the championship NOW’ boot right back down Fulham’s throat with a comfortable 2-0 win compounded by Kasey Keller’s flub-tastic gaffes; this had the double-positive for the Scousers of illustrating that not every single  American on the planet is trying to ruin the Anfield club. And Bouncy Squeezy Happy King Kevvy Keegan continues to show the master tacticians like Benitez, Wenger and Ferguson that all you really need to be good manager these days is to play FIFA 2008  until 4 am every day without once using a defender and base everything your team does around said-experiences. Oh, and also behave like an over-excited school football Dad by jumping up and down like a lunatic whenever your team scores. Sadly for King Kev he only got to do that twice this week against Roy ‘I’m A Stoic’ Keane’s Sunderland who will nonetheless stay up because there really are some poor teams in the league this season.

TOYS, PRAMS AND OWNERS

And finally, Thaksin. Shinawatra. A small man with a big toy. That toy is called Manchester City, and when that toy doesn’t do exactly what he wants, he tells it off in public and warns that he will break the toy in order to make it work better. Even though everyone knows that sort of rubbish just doesn’t work. But it doesn’t matter because it’s Thaksin’s toy, and Thaksin is the sort of chap who buys an orange, gets half-way home, wants an apple and starts killing people around him if they cannot make his orange into an apple. Apparently, if Sven-Goran-Eriksson doesn’t start making Thaksin’s toy work like he thinks it should, then he might be the apple of this tale. But seriously, is this tomfoolery and nonsense to be the future of modern football? Screaming fighting Americans, mad Thai despots, Russian oligarchs and Saudi princes?

Say one thing for the likes of former Aston Villa owner Doug Ellis, at least he went to every match and at least he knew his club. Can anyone honestly say that Hicks and Gillette at Liverpool, Shinawatra at City or even the Glazers at Man Utd (who at least know the value of shutting up and understanding which corridors not to snoop in) do the same? Of course not. Though it probably explains why when Ellis finally sold up to a foreign investor, he chose a chap in Randy Learner who has proven every bit the perfect blend of benefactor and quiet cultural appreciator. Indeed, when it comes to an exciting future, Villa Park looks like one of the more stable bets outside the top 4. And guess what? Their manager won’t be threatened with the sack even if they don’t make the Uefa Cup…

PERFORMANCE OF THE WEEK - Ashley Young

When he’s not fiddling about in front of his computer on YouTube, Young is obviously putting in some good work on the training ground. His display against Birmingham was nearly flawless. Strong, direct, skillful, if he were Brazilian he’d have enjoyed block print headlines in every Monday edition tabloid. Add to that two excellent finishes and it appears that the man has a tremendous future ahead of him.

 

WORST PERFORMANCE OF THE WEEK - LIAM RIDGEWELL

It’s easy to pick on defenders when they’ve been party to a 5 goal concession by their team, but in Ridgewell’s case it came against his former club, as did a performance so utterly bereft of common sense or positional nous that it’s almost cruel to call him out. Worst moment? Getting pathetically nudged off the ball by Gareth ‘The Tank’ Barry and weedily scampering vainly in his former team-mates’ slipstream (note to those who don’t know, Barry is is not known for his pace) as Barry swept the ball home. Defensive headers? Pah! Nowhere to be seen from young Liam. Plus he looks like a retarded shrew. All in all, abysmal.

 

MATCH OF THE WEEK

Aston Villa 5   v   Birmingham 1

 

Plenty at stake in this one, with Birmingham really needing the points to aide their attempt at survival, whilst Villa wanted to continue sneaking up on Everton’s  Uefa spot. With 10 goals in their last two games Villa would’ve been excused for finding the going tough against a side who routinely gives them trouble. Instead they ran riot, in the process inflicting tremendous damage on their very close neighbors and giving England manager Fabio Cappello two superb performances from Barry and Young. Riveting stuff which had ants dancing in Martin’s pants after the third…