As I watched Luton Town get literally torpedoed out of the football league by both the FA and the FL this week with their 30 point deduction being upheld, and as I watched the papers churn out yet more club-via-agent drivel designed to unsettle the contracted staff of other teams, I found my mind drifting to motorway caffs and brown paper bags. Remember those days? A jag would pull up at the Watford Gap services, a couple of geezers in long overcoats with collars out would shuffle inside, and as the lukewarm sausage, beans and chips took on a rubbery layer of grease, the old crinkled brown paper bag would find it’s way next to the rolled up copy of The Evening Standard and PRESTO! The next afternoon, a major transfer was born, supporters were delighted, neither chairman seemed to be complaining and none of the other parties involved were unhappy. Indeed, everyone was cheery, no-one was complaining and things moved on smoothly (partially because no-one was stupid enough to actually eat the sausage, beans and chips!).

Oh the rumors flew around from time to time, but transfer windows were more civilized, managers operated under a code of conduct, and the various officiating bodies did a decent job of turning blind eyes to obvious problems. Only George Graham and Brian Clough ever really got dragged through the mud, and in the former’s case, you could say that greed played a major part (as for Cloughie? I’ll never be convinced it wasn’t a bottle of scotch in ‘that’ particular brown paper bag!).

But then, one fateful day, the officiating bodies got a bad idea. Imagine a world with NO bungs, they pondered, NO dodgy agents, NO illicit payments and NO tapping up. Unilaterally. A world where everyone, as best could be administered, was equal. It seemed like a brave new era. And the only reason the idea was bad, was because none of them could organize a piss-up in a brewery, let alone the complexities of this irritating issue. 

Err, I’ll have a ham and cheese plus one Teddy please…

The FA hired a ‘bung-buster’, Graham Bean, back in 1998. Mr.Bean (and I use the term in full knowledge of the image it brings to mind) gave up 17 years in the police force to take the job. He was to ferret out the bad people and clean it all up. He was to be a Knight in shining armor. He was to head up a ‘compliance’ team. Oh how sweet it sounded. By 2003, he was being offered a pay-off to leave his post. He had become disillusioned with the lack of support he felt he was receiving from his superiors, and as he walked out the door, so did a fair few of his dossiers on figures within the game such as John Gregory and the agency Proactive and it’s chief executive Paul Stretford.

Recently we saw some spluttered rumblings of action as the great bung inquiries looked set to ensnare Harry Redknapp, agent Willie McKay and Sam Allardyce. There was even an edition of UK news program Panorama which appeared to supply some pretty irrefutable evidence against both Redknapp and Allardyce. And what did it all come to? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Just like the 2006 scandal involving Arsenal and their manager Arsene Wenger. British TV show Newsnight blew the lid off the fashion in which Wenger had basically set up a ‘football factory’ which would see Ivorian youth players signed by Belgian club Beveren, where Arsenal would then swoop for them if deemed good enough. A former colleague of Wenger’s, Jean-Marc Gillou, had an academy for young players in Abidjan. he was also the guiding force behind who Beveren signed. Newsnight claimed that any profits made via player sales by Beveren would result in 30% of said-fee being given to Gillou (at this point I should point out that Emmanuel Eboue was bought from Beveren by Arsenal for an ‘undisclosed figure.’ Throw in the fact that a spell in Belgium helps work permit situations and the math could not be clearer. Add to this the fact that Arsenal made a 1 million pound ‘unamed’ loan to Beveren, and you can see the plot is pretty thick and requires some deeper investigation…unless you’re the FA, the Premier League of FIFA, all of whom found ways to distance themselves from the blaring accusations raised by the Newsnight story.

Instead, football seems to prefer to see clubs like Luton Town battered from pillar to post for the indiscretions of past regimes. Not content with punishing small clubs like Luton, who already find it hard to jostle for any elbow room in the increasingly rarefied circles of British football, these absolute paragons of hypocrisy wish to beat the dream of ‘examples’….they’re setting an example, they’re creating a precedent.

But are they? I wonder what Sheffield United would have to say about these morons and their ‘precedents’. I wonder how anyone can view the insanely arbitrary ‘punishment’ handed out to West Ham for their illegal registration of Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano. Indeed, on April 27th, the Hammers were fined 5.5 million pounds for witholding information on who owned the players (MSI - a group of international investors owned the players). Curiously, there was no immediate stipulation banning Tevez from appearing again in West Ham colors until the matter was sorted out, and there was even more curiously no points deduction. This despite two illegally registered players having appeared in a number of matches. This despite the fact that one of those players was the only reason West Ham avoided relegation in the first place.

On May 13th, 2007, in a match West Ham had to win to avoid relegation, Carlos Tevez scored the winning goal at Old Trafford. Against Man Utd. The club he would go on to join for the start of the following season. Sheffield United were relegated instead. West ham, with their multi-millionaire owners, paid the fine whilst laughing no doubt. Sheffield United, without nearly the same level of financial clout, had to recruit resources to take their case to an appeal. Which, of course, failed (the appeal that is). 

So perhaps NOW my cry for to BRING BACK THE BUNG makes more sense. It was so much easier when people didn’t pretend they cared about the sanctity of the game. it was so much better when we didn’t have to witness such flagrant abuses of power. It was so much more fun when the back-pages weren’t taken up by the sort of hypocritical sanctimonious waffle from the Premiership, the Football League and the FA explaining to us how beating the likes of Luton Town to near-death with billy clubs is going to save football.

My advice to all those morons who are spouting this obscenely hypocritical rubbish is to do us a favor and don’t even try to justify the disparity. Just quietly acknowledge that there is one rule for one and another rule for others, and the whole thing depends on exactly what sort of clout you carry in the game. This would also allow the likes of Luton Town to understand that honesty is not the right path, that in fact it’s better for them to shut up and sort it out internally.  Anything else is, these days, an egregious insult to all genuine football supporters.

Allow me to share something from the admittedly not-100% reliable wikipedia. It is a short definition of the word ’slavery’ and I think we’d all agree that despite their occasional unreliance, this particular definition is on the money.

Slavery (also called thralldom) is a social-economic system under which certain persons — known asslaves — are deprived of personal freedom and compelled to work.

Slaves are held against their will from the time of their capture, purchase, or birth, and are deprived of the right to leave, to refuse to work, or to receive compensation (such as wages) in return for their labor. As such, slavery is one form of unfree labor.

Earlier this week, as the Ronaldo/Man Utd/Madrid soap opera rumbled on with no end in sight, FIFA President Sepp Blatter saw fit to stride into the mix totally uninvited. In itself this surprised no-one, the man has somehow made a career out of it, but this time his words were far more egregious than ever before.

“In football there’s too much modern slavery,” he opined, “I’m always in favour of protecting the player. If he wants to leave, let him. If Ronaldo stays at a club where he does not feel comfortable to play then it’s not good for him or the club. The important thing is that we should also protect the player. And if they want to play somewhere else, then a solution should be found.”

As if this wasn’t disgraceful enough, as I sat writing this week’s belated column, word had reached the back pages that Blatter had a wingman on this one…surprise surprise, it was Ronaldo!  “I agree 100 per cent with what he said,” cried the struggling winger, “he is right.”

GENTLEMEN! A few words of correction…first to you, Blatter. What total, and utter, rubbish. ‘If he wants to leave let him leave…’ And what, Mr.Blatter, about the concept of the contract? The concept of honor? The concept of being responsible for the choices you make in life. And as for you Ronnie, you tarty young Portugeezer you…IS Blatter REALLY right? ARE you REALLY a slave? DOES that 120,000 UKP per WEEK (yes folks, read that again, PER WEEK because THAT is the CONTRACT Ronaldo put his very own John Hancock to for another 4 years recently) really sound like someone being held against their will from the time of capture and refused compensation for their labor? Of COURSE it doesn’t. And why? Because this situation has as much to do with ’slavery’ as opining that the Queen is a ’slave’ owned by the country and forced to put time into these pesky ‘royal’ events! In fact the Queen would have a greater cause for complaint simply because she was born into the job, she didn’t necessarily choose it, but Ronaldo and his ilk made choices to struggle and toil from their 100k sports cars to the pitch in back for a few hours a day. It’s absurd isn’t it? Pathetic even. And ultimately, it’s very very insulting to those who were (ad still are) slaves. To those who’s only route to feeding their families is to put in impossibly gruelling labor in exchange for a “wage” which is probably annually what Ronaldo earns in an hour.

If the likes of Blatter (and to a lesser extent greedy young narcissists like Ronaldo) continue to promote such blatantly disrespectful behavior and attitudes (not to mention poor comparisons) it will prove that this ‘President’s’ dream is to see European football reduced to 20 huge inter-galactic clubs (with, he hopes, as few British teams as possible) and a whole sludge pit of small-town ‘teams’ for the rest of the proles who won’t be able to afford to follow the Super Galactico League 2014. Furthermore, it will prove that if football is to survive as a game of the people, then morons like Blatter must be sacked immediately as their poisonous ignorance and greed is going to end up eating the ever-weakening integrity of the world’s greatest sport.

AUTHORITIES STRIKE AGAIN

This time back in the UK, where Luton Town have suffered the unimaginable and been fined a further 10 points to add their 20, meaning they will start next season in League Two at minus 30 points. All because some ball-less nimrod decided that a ‘precedent’ had to be set; I’m sure Sheffield United would have a few words to say about that! But it’s impossible to look at the pathetic punishment/abuse of Luton right now and NOT ask about West Ham. Or even about the levels of debt that big premiership clubs carry without punishment for not going into new seasons ’solvent’…I’m sure there’s a complicated justification, but as my friend said, rich-people’s debt is always different isn’t it?  Truth be told, it’s another kick in the teeth for the small club. And what incentive does this offer for ANYONE to bother coming clean? Luton came clean, the people who committed the offences were sacked, a whole new regime was brought in, fines were paid, new people brought on board to run the club PLUS they waited an extra two months for their case to be head because of the Leeds Utd appeal and THIS is the result?  It’s like a drug addict admitting to possession for personal use, getting 10 years without parole and seeing a kingpin dealer get a 6 month suspended sentence! To clarify; the PRECEDENT this sets for ALL smaller clubs (and probably a few bigger ones I wouldn’t guess) is keep schtum. Don’t say a word, don’t even TRY to be honest, because if you are, you will quite simply be butchered. It is another shameful display of arrogance and stupidity from a governing footballing body and it’s cohorts. The Football League’s insolvency rules are beyond a joke, yet despite the fact that they recognize this fact and will be looking to overhaul it, Luton will still pay the heaviest of prices. No-one’s saying they shouldn’t have been punished, but EVERYONE’S saying that enough was actually enough about a year ago when Luton weren’t even able to sign players.The situation is a joke, but sadly, the cavalry does not seem to be coming to Town’s rescue. Indeed, if they try to launch their own rescue blitz via an appeal, they will be dumped out of the league immediately. Again, a ridiculous state of affairs…

RAFAEL BENITEZ. A DESPERATE MAN

This desperate little man has now gone public with his ‘interest’* in Spurs Robbie Keane. Having unsettled Gareth Barry since May, it now appears that Benitez will do his best to unsettle Keane. Here’s someone who hopes the Spurs board go and tell Benitez in no uncertain terms to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine and advise the man that his business practices need some serious refinement.

Due to the enforced stress and pressure being caused by the David Bentley transfer rumors, ‘Jumpers…’ has found itself incapacitated but will have it’s usual words of wisdom on Thursday 10th July.

I’d like to thank all 6 of you for your patience…

For the old-school football supporter, these are troubling times. Just when there’s been a grudging acceptance of the fact that players don’t actually really care about the badge anymore, we now have a whole new wave of behavior. It appears that now, if a player decides they want to move, then they should be allowed to do so by their employer if a) they can profess that the club of their desired destination was tattooed on their childhood heart or b) if the player has given ‘loyal’ service or has enjoyed a ‘love affair’ with their current club. Yes. You read the last bit correctly. Apparently, Emmanuel Adebayor has experienced the latter with Arsene Wenger during his two years at Arsenal; this now entitles him to a grander display of affection from his paramour, or else Adebayor will be off to Barcelona or Milan where he can hopefully find new love. “If this was a money problem than he would’ve asked to leave,” proclaimed his agent in a comment shallower than a toddler’s swimming pool, because the truth is that is almost exactly what these things invariably come down to. As for the notion of ‘asking’ to leave being the definition of a player’s desire to depart, well, if people want proof of what poppycock that is, look no further than the tomfoolery being waged on Merseyside.

Rafa Benitez has never been overly concerned with how he is perceived in the public eye. Able to deliver icy blasts whenever he feels necessary, not troubled by the continuing drama of Liverpool’s American soap-opera ownership and never one to shy away from a dig at fellow managers, Rafa has finally decided to drop the disguise in one final area of his work. Player acquisition. Doubtless something has finally twigged under his balding pate with regards to having not delivered the title the red half of Merseyside craves, because Rafa has become increasingly brazen in his, ahem, ‘interest’* in other players. Take Gareth Barry. Rafa sees him become Gerrard’s natural international midfield partner and thinks, ‘hmmmmm, I’d like a slice of that please!’ And thus begins a drip-drip of tabloid tittle-tattle, will Barry go, he has ‘admirers’ at Anfield, the obligatory ‘he’d be a great addition’ quote from a star player (Stevie G step on up) until finally, Barry comes out and virtually slates Villa for not conceding to such a move after all his ‘loyal service’ over the years. Further, Barry has complained that Martin O’Neil, Aston Villa’s manager, did not work nearly hard enough to convince him he should stay (captaincy, wage increases, public statements saying how important Barry is to Villa obviously not counting whatsoever. Understandably O’Neil throws his hands in the air, realizes he has been gazumped, is forced to say ‘bollocks!’ or something like that, and has only a fat transfer fee to soothe a bruised ego and conscience. Content that his money hagglers can then squeeze the cheapest price possible for a player who now patently has no future with Aston Villa,  Rafa then ’sharks’ off elsewhere to his next potential target, showing an ‘interest’* in Spurs Robbie Keane ‘if ever’* the player was to be ‘available’*. Keane made it known in some interview or another that he was a boyhood Liverpool fan and that Dalglish was his favorite player, so all of a sudden we have reports of Robbie Keane demanding a transfer to his ‘boyhood heroes’ so as he can wear that number 7 shirt. This despite the fact the man has 4 years left on his contract and only just returned from a honeymoon earlier this week.

Rafa…he’s only trying to help footballers the world over achieve their ‘dreams’…

First the News Of The World ‘reports’ this ‘interest’* before the Daily Mail runs a story stating that Keane has actually ‘handed a transfer request in’*…who, you might wonder, put them up to it? Who whispered such things down a phone? And what could their interest be? Well, the missing ingredient here is the appearance of Peter Crouch as a reported makeweight in the ‘Keane deal’*. Porstmouth want Crouch (Defoe in particular fancies him as a strike partner) but don’t want to pay more than 10 mill or so. Liverpool have been told to schtump up 18 million for Barry. There is a known cashflow problem at Liverpool. So math-meisters, give it your best. Could it be that Liverpool want the Crouch cash quick to get Barry? or could it simply be that Benitez wants Robbie Keane and as such is delighted to let the whole thing unfold into a series of bitter comments and regrettable anger whilst the drip drip drip sees Keane increasingly swayed to the idea of moving to Merseyside? To play for his ‘childhood’ heroes (n.b. not Celtic anymore)? In modern football who can be sure, but one thing’s for certain; it’s a travesty when people can freely  go and intimidate, insert and impose themselves in such a way upon a rival. Rafa should be ashamed and appalled at his own behavior, but he won’t be. He’ll simply claim the ‘dog-eat-dog’ mentality that modern football appears to have bred. The moral compass that judges such a man can only be set on an individual basis, though I believe that all TRUE football supporters know what’s right and what’s wrong. 

Of course, the man who has set the bar for ‘dreaming of childhood’ in player employment terms, is Man Utd’s Ronaldo. He had a dream…sounds like an Abba song doesn’t it? Except it’s hard to imagine that the dream was particularly real when Ronaldo signed a new contract a year ago. Genuine dreamers don’t do such things. And you have to wonder who’s next in the ‘dream’ move stakes? And how many spaces these ‘dream destinations’ will have by the time all the dreamers have professed their love? Has Berbatov dreamt of Manchester, Milan or Barcelona? Does Lampard drool at night like when he was a lad of Milan? And if, say, Milan or Juventus suddenly decided Robbie Keane was their man, would Robbie’s childhood nights spent dreaming about spaghetti-o’s for the following night’s tea be used as evidence? The truth is if Real Madrid came in for pretty much anyone waving the wallet the way they do, that player would immediately spew some ‘undying love since childhood’ rubbish. These things have little to do with dreams and much to do with money and playing for one of, say, a dozen clubs in the world. What, one wonders, must the likes of Luton Town make of such outrageous tap-work in the highest levels of the game? And where, one must further wonder, are the great eyes and ears of the Premier League, Football League and FA aimed as these almost farcical capers are taking place? 

For the football supporter, it’s getting to be a bit much. It’s why players like Ledley King, Jamie Carragher and Ryan Giggs are respected by virtually every supporter of every club. Because they don’t blast away in the media, or via their agents, about ‘dream moves’ or ‘loyal service’…they let their feet do the talking. And as such, their loyalties are illustrated by those footsteps.

THUG LIFE ROOLS

Joey Barton got off with 4 month suspended sentence for beating up his former Man City team-partner (no mate in there) Ousmane Dabo. In order to hear the verdict, Barton had to leave his current stay at Her Majesty’s Pleasure full-board B&B, where he’d been serving a 6 month sentence for beating some other poor sucker up at a late-night fast food restaurant. Quality our kid Joey, stuffed to the gills wi’it. And there have been many others with young Joseph; the abuse of trainees at parties, the open ridicule of fellow professionals for writing books, the on-pitch flare-ups…the point is that Joey Barton has some serious issues, and dodging a proper sentence for his pathetic, cowardly attack on Dabo by turning a ‘not guilty’ into a ‘guilty’ plea once he learned the recourse a guilty plea would bring, does not an honest or earnest young man make. And if Newcastle United have one pair of testicles between them in that boardroom, Joey Barton will be sacked before he can stomp on them any further.

Everyone deserves a second chance. But how many people in daily life get 4th and 5th chances? More to the point, is Joey Barton a genuinely sick man who needs help, or a pre-genetically coded leopard? If he’s the latter then we all know the phrase…

DON’T KNOCK SUPER RON JUST YET

Reports of Ronaldinho’s expanding middle have sounded a death knell on his career the world over. As photos from a charity match in Venezuela started to emerge, it was visually apparent that Ronnie had been enjoying some dietary tips from Brazil team-mate Ronaldo, and that the two of them had enjoyed a churruscarria too many in their fight for fitness.  The truth is you knock the man at your peril. At 28 years old, fat will fly off him the moment he trains seriously again, and being the sort of player who does not rely exclusively on electric pace, his skills will see him rise again. And when that happens, we will all see why he remains one of the outstanding talents in world football…of that be most sure.

* any similarity to words such as ‘lies’, ‘bullshit’,'conjecture’, ‘fiction’, ‘fairyland’, ‘evil gossip’ are absolutely 100% coincidental and the author regrets any potential similarities and wishes it to be known these are absolutely unintentional.

Besides the ire that has been irked, the greater implications of Ronaldo’s inevitable move to Real Madrid are both long-reaching and potentially disastrous to football everywhere. It will signal the end of the contract, it will signal the end of protection for clubs who have invested their energies and resources into developing young talents only to end up watching them ‘depart for a challenge’,  and it could very well mean the competitive end of all clubs beyond, say, 20 in world football.

Now, Sir Alex Ferguson is no innocent when it comes to the art of tip tip tapping his blakey-heeled shoes, and rumors of his dispatched offers to the likes of former Spur Michael Carrick via stalwart loyalists like G*** N****** on their international duties remain legendary. But make no mistake. What Real Madrid have done shifts the goalposts dramatically.

Do not be fooled. This is not about a player who wants to fulfil a dream. It is about a player who wanted more money, signed a new contract a short while ago, now sees a move he wants with more money involved and is simply prepared to dishonor his contract to engineer it. Add to that a club with more money (or credit) than sense, and you have a situation where, in the end, money will speak louder than words. That is the inevitable truth. And thus we will enter a whole new definition of the transfer market, one with three distinct tiers* where the Madrids, Man Utds, Chelseas and Milans bob and weave and spar with each other over which of their prized assets will end up in each other’s shorts, the aspirators such as Spurs, Man City, Athletico Madrid and Bayern Munich squabble and fight over the superstars left and then the rest…well, the rest can only hope for the odd quality cast-off to help them beat a big team once or twice a year and perhaps maintain their divisional status. Seriously, if it isn’t already similar, look forward to an era where playground bully rules exist, the big boys swap trump cards amongst each other (’I'll give you a Wesley Sneijder plus a Robinho for your Cristiano Ronaldo’) and the snot-nosed urchins left behind try desperately to make their Bentley’s worth the same value as a Tevez in the marketplace.  It is the penultimate tragic step towards international silverware being monopolized by no more than perhaps those 20 clubs referred to already, and it will further stunt the human drama, emotion and unpredictability of a game which has always thrived on as much for it’s true lifeblood.

It’s one of the reasons that Turkey’s march to the semi-finals of Euro 2008 was so invigorating for the neutral. Playing with only a handful of players known to supporters internationally, and certainly without the sort of star names that, say, the Dutch sported, Turkey played with almost beautiful wrecklessness, style, panache and heart.  Too many times they asked questions of more illustrious opponents, and too many times they themselves found the answer, albeit at the last moment. That they themselves could only be knocked out via a last-minute hammer-blow by Germany is miraculous. On the morning of the match, Turkey were missing 10 players through either injury or suspension, yet they threw themselves into the match with the sort of positive gusto that has proven their definition in the tournament and were extraordinarily unlucky in the end to be going home.

In fact, Turkey’s performances have offered the growing reality that IF the likes of Real Madrid and Man Utd continue to engage in millionaire shennanigans over “star” players, that perhaps the future of ‘real’ football’ will swing back to the international game. And not just European countries. Who wasn’t mightily disappointed that no major TV company screened the African Cup of Nations tournament last January? It’s not as though Europe doesn’t benefit from the talents of many from said-continent, besides, many African nations show a similar gung-ho spirit and endeavor to Turkey and many of those same nations contain players who are simply sensational to watch. It’s exciting to watch the Ivory Coast, it’s invigorating to watch Ghana, it’s engaging to watch Morocco. Because there is always the possibility of greatness emerging from an unexpected source. And it is that unexpectedness, that unpredictability, which is slowly disappearing from our domestic league game.        

GOMEZ…THE ANSWER BETWEEN THE STICKS FOR SPURS

Heurelho Gomes seems almost certain to sign for Tottenham Hotspur in the next few days, and there are a number of reasons that Spurs supporters should rejoice. Firstly, it will mean the end of Paul Robinson, once a great keeper and now a shell of his former self who desperately needs a new environment to re-discover himself. The word is that Martin O’Neil will offer him a safe house to rebuild his confidence, and it would be a foolish man who would bet against O’Neil helping Robinson find his former mojo and returning to his old self. But the fact is that it isn’t going to happen at Spurs. Some supporters say he should stay and fight for his spot, but this is asinine; Paul Robinson is not a back-up goalkeeper, he is a great talent who needs a change of scenery. Thus the situation suits everyone.

Secondly, Gomes is a character and a presence, a man who commands his penalty area and does not suffer fools in it gladly. He’s one of the best shot-stoppers in Europe, and whilst there will certainly be some interesting times with him between the sticks, his positives far, far outweigh those negatives. That and the man really does believe in himself, a vital component of any goalkeeper’s psyche. Finally, Gomes brings with him a wealth of both Champions League experience  and general experience. He’s not afraid to say his piece and he’s not afraid to be who he is. The Brazillian Barthez? Perhaps. But if he ends up with the medals Barthez got during his career, no Spurs supporters will complain.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Thaksin Shinawatra is really becoming a firm favorite of this particular author. The diminiutive despot, and owner of Man City, is seemingly hellbent on making sure that his new toy is reduced to the status of schoolyard joke such are his repeatedly bizarre actions. But he’s certainly gone above and beyond the call of duty with his latest idea…to change the Man City club crest. 

“It’s true that he wants to change the crest, as he thinks a sailboat doesn’t represent something solid as it moves only as far as winds take it,” the source said to AsiaOne News. “He wants to change from the ‘uncertainty’ to something firm and stable.” Which translated could apparently mean an elephant, one of Thailand’s national symbols. And also a part of Coventry City’s official club crest. Well hey, they both have sky blue in their home kits. They also shared Tommy Hutchinson back in the early ’80s, as well as Bobby McDonald. And now perhaps elephants too. Needless to say, City fans aren’t exactly jubilant about the tinpot despot’s latest flirtation with change, and the man continues to defy (and properly beggar) belief. Indeed, a club source was quoted in the Sunday Mirror as saying, ”Who knows what the badge will be in the end, but if it’s reflecting Shinawatra it could be a Thai man dressed in golf gear singing karaoke. It’s ridiculous.”

The historic new Manchester City logo is previewed by a Thai designer…

For Man City fans it absolutely would, for the rest of us it would supply at least 6 months of good, had laughter before the deeper horror of FOS (foreign owner syndrome) started to dawn upon us. In fact, it leaves you wondering what his next move will be, and this author for one feels sure that the club’s colors are next. Thaksin surely feels that sky blue is, well, shall we say a little ‘light’ in the loafer for his tastes, and that a bright firey color would be far, far better…a bright firey color like…red!!!! Thus Jumpers For Goalposts is prepared to bet a pint that before the year’s out, the little Thai Guy will have introduced red into the club’s official colors. Don’t laugh or get abusive becasue you know it could well happen…

LUKA MODRIC…A STAR

The hacks all said that he was too lightweight, and even a few ex-professionals commented that he’d get pushed around when things got physical, but any lingering doubts that Luka Modric was tough enough were finally buried when he sent Germany’s Torsten Frings 5 ft into the air with a bone-crunching challenge in the 89th minute of Croatia’s 2-1 defeat of Germany. Aside from dictating the rhythm, conducting the Croat orchestra and generally pulling the strings of the match, Modric showed time and time again that he can either deal face-to-face with physical types or can skip and scoot away from such situations. He will do for Spurs what Osvaldo Ardiles did back in the ’80s. Ossie was another man who wasn’t a giant, but he took care of business, kept the ball moving quickly and with intelligence plus he could pass through the eye of a needle. Of course there is no Glenn Hoddle either at Spurs or in modern British football, but Modric’s arrival coupled with the skill, swagger (and strength!) of Giovani Dos Santos promises to offer Spurs plenty of opportunities to score even more goals than last season. If they can find a central defensive partnership which can stay fit (King and Woodgate would be nirvana for all Spurs supporters) then with Gareth Bale returning from injury, Spurs look to be genuine top 4 challengers. It was vital to find a player like Modric, and Spurs transfer committee did just that. And he will prove to be a resounding success.

AU REVOIR DOMENECH

And so it is that the French have bowed disgracefully out of Euro 2008, with three listless, lacklustre and inspirational-less displays where only the tireless Franck Ribery could claim amnesty as the autopsy begins. Let’s be very very clear about this; the blame sits squarely with a manager who is at once bizarre, insane and stupid. Yes, stupid. His inability to utilize Benzema properly until it was too late spoke volumes; his decision to leave Mathieu Flamini at home when the player had probably enjoyed the best season of his career was baffling. Further, his decision to chop Djibril Cisse from the squad at the very last moment was madness. Relying on Thierry Henry, who is patently no longer able to play as a lone striker due to the yard of pace lost and what looks like a nagging injury, was a mistake, but perhaps even greater was picking William ‘Mary’ Gallas as the defensive ‘rock’, who quite frankly looked as secure as Bearings Bank and with twice the drama. That they limped away with a 2-0 defeat to an aging and somewhat wheezy Italian side simply added insult to injury. They got everything they deserved in the end of it. As for the rest? Keep your money off Holland. They’ve been brilliant but they’ve perhaps peaked too soon and, more significantly, have yet to really be challenged by a gritty, dull match. This column has a sneaking feeling that the Croatia/Turkey match will provide a finalist…there, they’ll meet Spain, who should really win the whole lot. Portugal? Naaaaaaaah…

Carlos Vela, Arsenal’s Mexican striker who hasn’t had a look in at the Emirates since arriving two seasons ago (he’s been ‘loaned out’ to ‘develop’ in Spain during that time) used his Mexican team-mate Gio Dos Santos to make sure that people know his name by announcing how happy he was for Dos Santos that he signed for Spurs and that “let’s hope he can move on to a better team.” Foolish really, the sort of ignorant, big-mouthed comment that always ends up coming back to haunt you  before you’ve even made a dent on the subs bench. But with a huge flash of instant karma, word has it that the cocky young pup has actually been arrested in Chicago whilst on duty with the Mexican national side for repeatedly refusing to cooperate with requests to make less noise in a hotel room (further proof that the young man has a big ol’ ‘north and south’ on him). If the stories are substantiated (and several Gooner websites have claimed ’tis a fact) then all we can say is he certainly found his way into the spiritual vein of Arsenal’s history faster than could’ve been expected, joining such illustrious company as Peter Storey, Raphael Meade, Paul Vaessen, Tony Adams and Paul Merson in the nefarious notebook. Some personal advice from Jumpers For Goalposts. Keep your mouth shut, keep out of police arrest records and try to get a few minutes on the pitch as a first-team player before you speak in public again. Needless to say, Spurs supporters would love Vela to come up against Alan Hutton next season, but we all know that unless Hutton is demoted to the reserves (unlikely) that it simply won’t happen. So Carlos, as Gio is lighting up the Lane, send us a postcard from Barnet will you? 

…despite being rarely seen on a British football pitch, it’s clear the lad has all the makings to be the next Franny Jeffers…

MONTY PYTHON ARRIVE TO OFFICIATE A EURO 2008 MATCH

Well it always happens doesn’t it, and Euro 2008 has been no exception. With Italy v Holland balanced nicely at 0-0, a ball was fired in from the Dutch right, Christian Panucci and his keeper Buffon tried to deal with the cross, Buffon clashed with Panucci who ended up being shoved to the floor behind the goaline, the ball squirmed outside the Italian box, was played back in to Ruud Van Nistelroy who was standing about 6 yards offside but netted the chance anyway. As he ran to start celebrating (or avoid a booking for kicking the ball into the net when so obviously offside) he looked over his shoulder for the flag and much to his amazement, didn’t see one. Neither did anyone else. Because there wasn’t one. Because apparently Panucci had apparently ’stepped off the field of play’ and as such had the fortitude to jump right back on it; that he did not was a calculated choice designed to play an offside trap, and as such the lawmakers invoked a little clause to catch sneaky thieves like Christian out. In theory, and on paper, not a bad thing. The problem in this instance was that Panucci was actually lying on his back trying a) to find his lungs and b) to knock his testicles back down into his scrotum from his throat. It would be subtle to say he wasn’t doing a rendition of Michael Flatley’s  ’Lord Of The Dance’ behind that goaline. 

Of course the chief culprits are the officials; quite how they failed to apply not even a sense of logic but simple vision to the situation is beyond belief. And you have to wonder if with this creative interpretation of the rule, we can expect strikers the world over to be played onside by fit blokes wearing repli-kits at the pastie bar, or injured players in uniform getting treatment in the physios lair. Or better still, will players who get pole-axed in such a fashion now be forced to pop blood capsules in their mouths to clearly demonstrate that they’re hurt? Pathetic. The whole thing. And again, you have to wonder if two steps down the line some Fifa/Uefa fat-cats aren’t dancing with joy at how they can use such situations as yet more evidence that football should be four quarters with full replay systems in place.

CLASSLESS TOE-RAG SHOWS TRUE COLORS

Ronaldo’s behavior in the last week has, quite rightly, elicited a flurry of angry responses. He has stated he wants to go to Man Utd as long as they are prepared to honor their ‘word’ to pay both him and Man.Utd what they said they would. There’s so much wrong with that it’s hard to know where to start, but why not begin at the plain fact that Real Madrid’s ‘word’ isn’t worth the banknote it’s written on, that Ronaldo has consistently shown himself to be a 100% genuine grifter who will do whatever it takes in the dirty tricks and flicks book to get what he wants, and that words from the mouths of either party mean absolutely nothing. 

We were all seduced by Ronaldo’s stunning season, his 40-plus goals, his apparent maturity and graceful shift in traits, but the truth is he merely learnt to hide his many unpleasant sides better. We should not forget how hard he found (and still occasionally finds) it to stay on his feet, and we should also not forget what he did to an admittedly easy target in Wayne Rooney against Portugal two summers ago. Perhaps the only joy Man Utd can find in his recent behavior, is the fact that Ronaldo will never have a season like he’s just had again, if only because he will not get the support and hard-graft of Rooney and Tevez setting his table anywhere else in the world. Not only that, they would reasonably expect to squeeze 50-60 million quid out of Real Madrid. Not that Ferguson wants the money, indeed, were he to actually bench Ronaldo it would send a worldwide rocket to others who think a contract is only worth the paper it’s written on and behave as such. And let’s face it, would anyone shed a tear of sympathy for this apparent toe-rag? Doubt it… 

THAKSIN SHOWS HIS KNOWLEDGE OF HISTORY

It’s just not a proper week in English football without it’s loopiest despot conjuring some madness. Having found a reason to sack Sven Goran Ericsson, the diminutive dessie then charged forth and gave the job to Mark Hughes, admittedly a fine up and coming manager, but also…a…red!!! Hughes was as vitriolic  Man Utd player as you could ever have met, and was much despised by the blue half of Manchester for a considerable amount of time. Which should make it easy for Citeh fans to support him right? Or is it a cunning plot from the Thai-guy to win back fervent support within a year as he unceremoniously dumps Hughes in the managerial wastelands come May 2009? Bookies are already taking bets… 

…being that Wednesday is the middle of the week, and everyone needs a lift in the middle of the week, Jumpers For Goalposts will now update every WEDNESDAY.

The ‘managerial merry-go-round’ as it’s known, is in full-swing. Sven finally got the blessed chop from the tin-Thai- despot, who now appears unbelievably close to drawing Mark Hughes into his little hobby. Unbelievable because Hughes always struck as being one of the smarter younger managers on the block, someone who had learned well from Sir Alex Ferguson, and someone who appreciated the value of learning his trade over a period of time. Indeed, it’s not too far from reality to imagine that Hughes might’ve been in the frame when Fergie packs it in at Old Trafford. Instead, it appears that impatience will be the thing which undoes Hughes, because let’s be very very clear, there will not  be a happy ending for anyone who works as the Manchester City manager whilst ‘Sinatra’s’ at the helm.

Sven, however, has proven what an astute man he is once more by not only trousering a large wedge of wonga from his former looney employer, but also gathering a whole heap of sympathy on the way. The way to what, you ask? The way to Mexico’s national manager job! Doubtless another 7 figure salary annually, plus a rather nice place to live we shouldn’t wonder. Add that lot to his compensation package from the England job (which only wound up just over a year ago) and you have to admire the slick and slide of the man, his chutzpah, his cajones, his sheer resilience! The man is either truly one of the world’s great coaches/managers (WHEN was the last tin pot he actually won?) or one of football’s cleverest con-artists (hmmmmm…). I know where the smart money sits on that one.

The author’s view of this summer’s managerial merry-go-round…see who you can identify!

Meanwhile, in Milan we have Jose Mourinho popping up to take the place of sacked serie A title winning manager Roberto Mancini, who if we’re to believe the tittle tattle could be on his way to Chelsea who have just sacked their Champions League Finalist/Premiership runner-up “loser” (courtesy of Jose Mourinho that one) Avram Grant. Of course, recently ‘departed’ Barcelona manager Frank Rijkaard could yet slide into that seat, unless Mark Hughes decides to pick the devil in Peter Kenyon over the deep blue sea that is Thaksin, but wait a moment, ‘Big’ Phil Scolari could waddle to West London once his stint with Portugal is over in late June. Indeed, when AC Milan’s Ancelotti turned DOWN the Chelsea job and a reported 7 million quid a year to remain at AC, you almost wanted to weep at the honor of it all until you realized that he’s probably on not much less as it is plus he doesn’t have Kenyon or Abramovich to tap dance for. At least Tottenham supporters can rest easy in the knowledge that for once, their manager’s position is the safest of the summer.

RONALDO SHOWS HIS INTELLIGENCE

If ever there was a clear indication that talent does not necessarily equate with intelligence, Man Utd’s Portugeezer ( (c) The Sun ) Cristiano Ronaldo has now apparently decided he wants to go to Real Madrid after all. Fool. And for what? He’s at the biggest club in Europe, he’s going to be wonderfully protected for at least two more seasons and he’s not unhandsomely compensated. SO why go to Real Madrid? It isn’t the same Madrid of a decade ago, and they don’t have the same amount of class as they used to have, so again, why? His own ego. That’s all it can be. Perhaps he watched those recent ‘GOAL” movies and got influenced by Kuno Becker leaving Newcastle for Madrid. Of course, it’s an absurd action on Ronaldo’s part, perhaps some short-term gain for enormous, long-term loss. Not that Fergie’s going to be too upset. With the likes of Nani and Anderson lurking in the wings, he knows United will survive, but there’s little doubt that he’d rather have Ronaldo than not, so this one could end in a stalemate and the stiffs for Ronnie as Fergie and co drive the stupid young man into a corner. 

THE PAIN TO END FOR SPAIN

Look no further than Spain for the new European Champions come the end of this summer’s Euro 2008 tournament. For two decades they’ve flattered to deceive, but having made the brave decision to ship out Raul (and his ego) the whole fit and feel of the Spanish squad seems perfect, as does their spine of Casillas, Puyol, Fabregas, Xavi and Torres. Holland will be dangerous as ever, and never, ever write off the Germans (who once again appear to be ominously ghosting into the finals with little fanfare) but I fancy Spain to get that little slice of luck that will take them past strong front-runners like Croatia, Italy and France (critically, the first two have suffered terrible luck with injuries to key players).

For the 6 regular readers I have, please remain calm and know that the new JFG column will now be posted in 24 hours (WEDNESDAY)

Thanks…

Steffan